and you were probably wondering what on earth that was all about. Well, I’ll tell you.

It was at the precise moment that I’d realized that my life was spinning out of control and that I needed to get it back on track. I had stayed up till 3am the night before reading a fan fiction on my laptop knowing full well that I’d have to be up and out the door for work by 5am. What’s worse is that during the past three days, when I wasn’t at one of my two jobs, I was just sitting on the couch at home reading this story. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against fan fiction or this story (in fact it was a very well written one, but that’s not the point here), but I realized that morning, after barely getting to work on time because I was so tired, that I’d basically just wasted three days of my life doing nothing but sitting on the computer. Off all the things in the world to give me a reality check, that oddly enough, was it.

Then it all just hit me. It’s like someone had suddenly turned a glaringly bright spot light on the shambles of what I was trying to pass off as a life. And if I hadn’t been in such an emotional wreck at the time, I probably would have laughed because who else but me would realize she’d hit rock bottom after reading a Harry Potter fan fiction? Seriously, without going into detail, my life really is pathetic (I know a lot of you think I have it all together, but I just don’t. Not really). Anyways, it took a good 24 hours for all of this to sink it. And then this morning on my drive to work, I realized what it was I had to do to get my life straightened out: I had to finally swallow my pride, finally give up control and then finally, finally ask Him for help.

Yes, I’d finally realized (even though I’d always know this in the back of my mind) that I just can’t handle all this craziness on my own – that I’m not even meant to handle it on my own. That there was in fact, someone much better suited at handling this and that it was time to relinquish my pathetic attempt at control and ask God for help. And I know there are a few of you who will be reading this who will understand just how difficult and scary this realization must have been (and still is honestly).

And so I prayed. But I’ve never been very good at praying and I’ve always had a difficult time hearing Him speak to me. So I turned on the Christian music station I’d just made on Pandora and I asked God to speak to me through the music. And boy did He ever.

The first song that played after that was ‘7×70’ by Chris August and I started crying and didn’t stop till I got to work. It was like God was taking me through my life through the songs.

I’ve been living in this house here
Since the day that I was born
These walls have seen me happy 
But most of all they’ve seen me torn
They’ve heard the screaming matches 
That made a family fall apart
They’ve had a front row seat
To the breaking of my heart

That’s the opening verse of ‘7×70’ and what I heard from that song was God telling me “Hey, I know what you’ve gone through, but it’s okay. It’ll get better. Trust me.”

And the next song that stood out to me was ‘Forgiven’ by Sanctus Real. It’s a short song, so I’m just going to post it all.

Well the past is playing with my head 
And failure knocks me down again 
I’m reminded of the wrong 
That I have said and done 
And that devil just won’t let me forget 

In this life 
I know what I’ve been 
But here in your arms 
I know what I am 

I’m forgiven 
I’m forgiven 
And I don’t have to carry 
The weight of who I’ve been 
Cause I’m forgiven 

My mistakes are running through my mind 
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night 
And I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride 
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry 

When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere 
When I don’t measure up to much in this life 
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘Cause 

I’m forgiven 
I’m forgiven 
And I don’t have to carry 
The weight of who I’ve been 
Cause I’m forgiven 

The song is pretty self-explanatory, isn’t it? After that was Third Day’s ‘Love Heals Your Heart’:

When you think your life is shattered 
And there’s no way to be fixed again 
Love heals your heart 
At a time you least expected 
You’re alive like you have never been 
Love heals your heart 

Everybody has a wall to climb 
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive 
Every smile that they would hide behind 
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface 

Again, I was able to hear what God was trying to tell me in the music. “I know you’re hurting, but just let me love you and it’ll be alright.” And then ‘History’ by Matthew West reminded me that it’s okay to forgive myself for past mistakes:

It’s been a bad day, you’ve been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
I know it’s hard to believe
Let me refresh your memory

Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
Let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history

Following that song is the one that really got to me because it was so obvious what He was trying to tell me with this one – ‘Let It Go’ by Tenth Avenue North.

I’ve been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles they’ve gone white
From fighting for who I want to be
I’m just trying to find security 

But you say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go 

Well it’s hard enough to hear
Harder still to move beyond this fear
We know there’s nothing I can bring
So tell me what do you want from me 

Seriously, it couldn’t get any more obvious than that, could it? And then to make sure I didn’t freak out about letting it all go, ‘You’re Not Alone’ by Meredith Andrews played next:

You’re not alone, For I am here,
Let me wipe away your every fear,
My love I’ve never left your side,
I have seen you through the darkest night,
And I’m the one who’s loved you all your life

And the songs that played after that were ones that reminded me why this I needed to do this. Like Sanctus Real’s ‘Whatever You’re Doing’:

It’s time for healing time to move on 
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong 
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me 
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you’re doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender.

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever you’re doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me 
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you’re doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos but now I can see 
This something bigger than me 
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It’s time to face up
Clean this old house 
Time breathe in and let everything out

That song sums up everything perfectly, doesn’t it? But He wasn’t finished talking to me just yet because the final song that spoke to me was the one that practically broke me. It was the one that reminded me that I was worth all this trouble and that it didn’t matter that it had taken me this long to get to this point in my life – ‘You Are More’ by Tenth Avenue North.

There’s a girl in the corner 
With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she’s wandered 
And the shame she can’t hide 

She says, “How did I get here? 
I’m not who I once was. 
And I’m crippled by the fear 
That I’ve fallen too far to love” 

But don’t you know who you are, 
What’s been done for you? 
Yeah don’t you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you’ve made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You’ve been remade. 

(and the last few verses of the song really made me see)

‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done, 
But what’s been done for you. 
This is not about where you’ve been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

So that’s how God spoke to me through music today and how I know I’m going to be okay as I start to get my life back on track. I know it’s going to be a long, bumpy ride and that lots of times I’m going to freak out. But I now know that I will be able to do this and that I won’t be alone. And He’s still speaking to me through the music because I’m listening to the same Pandora station as I type this post up and every time I start freaking out about either sharing all of this with you or freaking out about letting it all go, a song comes up that has just what I need to hear in it.

Well, this post has gone in a totally different direction than what I’d had planned. But that’s okay seeing as I’m not the one in control anymore. Anyways, today’s revelations are just the first step. While I’m giving over control to Him, I still have to do all the hard work of getting my life straightened out, but now I know I won’t be alone (not that I ever was, it just took me a long time to figure this out). I’ll try to post more as I work through all this and I promise that I’ll try not to write such a long one next time. And kudos to you if you’ve actually read all this.

DFTBA. <3

She says, “How did I get here?
I’m not who I once was.
And I’m crippled by the fear
That I’ve fallen too far to love”

But don’t you know who you are,
What’s been done for you?
Yeah don’t you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she’s been given new life
But she can’t shake the feeling
That it’s not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she’s rehearsed all the lines
And so she’ll try to do better
But then she’s too weak to try

But don’t you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done,
But what’s been done for you.
This is not about where you’ve been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

You’ve been remade
You’ve been remade.
You’ve been remade.
You’ve been remade.

Those lyrics that you’ve just hopefully read are from the song ‘You Are More’ by the Christian band Tenth Avenue North. The first time I heard this song was during one of my late night drives down to my parents place and not thirty seconds into the song and I was crying my eyes out. Why? Because this song is basically me.

Now I know that in order for any of my other goals to be accomplished this year, I need to get my prayer life and relationship with God straightened out. And I know all the clichés: “Everything happens for a reason” “It’s all in God’s time” “When God closes a door, he opens a window” “Put everything in God’s hands” “He won’t give you more than you can handle” “He loves you no matter what”. But you know what? All of these clichés leave me with more questions than reassuring answers, this two biggest being WHY and HOW.

WHY is this happening to me now and HOW do I know that He has it all figured out for me? HOW exactly do I give control of my life over to Him? Last time I checked, I don’t live in a Carrie Underwood song and I can’t literally give Jesus the steering wheel to my life. And it’s not like He’s going to have flashing, blinking arrows all over the place for me that say “Go this way” “He’s the one for you” “Turn left” “This is the job to apply for”. He’s not going to just have some one hand me a lease to a new apartment or the title to a new car or have someone call me saying I’ve been hired at a job I didn’t apply for. And if I’m just supposed to go through life listing for His guidance to nudge me in the right direction, why can’t I hear Him? Have I become that wrapped up in the noise of popular culture and secular society that I have unintentionally tuned Him out? I’d like to think that I haven’t and that I’ve managed to live in this world without losing my connection to Him, but the more and more I think about it, the more I realize that I have lost my connection to Him. So my number one goal to accomplish this year is to get that connection back, but like the girl in the song ‘I’m crippled by the fear /That I’ve fallen too far to love’.

Crippled by the fear that I have become something I told myself I’d never let myself become: a lukewarm Catholic. Yes, I go to Mass on Sunday and I observe the Feasts and Holy Days of Obligations but other than that I really don’t do much. Do I make an effort to go to Mass when it’s not an obligation or a Sunday? No, I don’t. And when I am at Mass, I feel like I’m on autopilot. Do I ever say a Rosary by myself just because? Nope. Do I go to Confession more than once every six to nine months? Again, no, I don’t. Yet the biggest identifier in my life is that I am Catholic. Whenever I write a bio or one of those ‘about me’ things for whatever new social networking site there is, I always put in ‘proud Roman Catholic’ as one of my identifiers, but am I really? Why do I cling to something so strongly if I barely make it a presence in my daily life? And what scares me is that not only do I not have the answers to those questions, but that I don’t feel the motivation to find them.

I go through these spurts every few months were I decided that I’m going to get my life back on track and that I’m going to form a better relationship with God. It normally lasts about a week. I’ll go to Adoration a couple of times, I’ll pursue through my Bible, I’ll borrow a bunch of books from my mom; I’ll even make an attempt to go to Mass in the middle of the week, but I’ll usually come up with some excuse as to why I can’t actually go to one (something along the lines of “I’m tired” “I’ll go tomorrow” or “My work schedule is in the way”). And after all that, nothing changes. Nothing sticks. And I’m still left with two unanswered questions: WHY can’t I get it figured out and HOW can I get it figured out? It seems like everyone else around me as got it figured out, why can’t I?

Is it because I’m that person that when someone is talking about how they heard God’s voice tell them to do something, I’m the one rolling my eyes? Is it because I’m the one that when reading stories about the Saints I’m thinking “Well, that’s all fine and dandy for them, but I don’t have that kind of faith and will power?” while deep down I’m insanely jealous of the relationships the Saints had/have with God? Have I become THAT cynical? And while I have started listening to Christian music (something I never thought I’d actually do), I still tend to skip or ignore the ‘touchy feely’ songs. WHY do I find it so difficult to take those blind leaps of faith? WHY?

Going back to all those clichés, I know He has a plan for me and apparently part of that plan is for me to have all these questions and to have this complicated faith journey or whatever you want to call it. All I know is that I keep falling back on what Mother Theresa said: “I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle, I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.” Also, a road map to life wouldn’t hurt either.

New Years resolutions. Everybody has them and around the second week of January everybody has given up on theirs. I’ve done it and you’ve done it. It’s practically a yearly tradition, fodder for the water cooler talks at work. But I’ve had it up the to the proverbial ‘here’ with my own failing to keep my New Years resolutions. And I know I’ve said it before (as have thousands of people before me), but this really is going to be the year that I get my shit together.

I know I’ll make mistakes along the way and I may fail quite a few times, but I’m going to do it. And I’m going to do the 21st century thing and blog about it. Why? Because I can’t keep a hand written journal to save my life and I’m always online, so I might as well just put it all out there for the world to see. Also, I feel like I can be more myself here in this virtual world we call the interwebz. Funny, how that works.

Anyways, I guess this should be the part of my post where I make a list or something or give you some kind of schedule for when I’m going to post new stuff, but I don’t have a list yet and I’ve found out that blogs & schedules just don’t work for me. I don’t want to have to write something just because I said I would. I’ll post something when ever I feel like I have something to write about. It may be everyday, once a week or once a month. I just don’t know. But as soon as I post something, I’ll tweet a link & put one up on tumblr and facebook.

For now, this is just me inviting you along for what will surely be a crazy, insane adventure as I try to get my life straight. Welcome one and all.

And I promise I don’t bite.

Anyways, with all this extra stress this week, if you have a moment for extra prayers or good thoughts or have some extra good vibes to send (or what ever) my way, it would be greatly appreciated!

Till tomorrow!
DFTBA

I’ve always wondered why I’ve been able to form more meaningful and lasting friendships with people in the fandom that I’ve either a) never met in person or b) only get to see in person once or twice a year versus the ‘friendships’ I have/used to have with people from highschool. And I think I’ve figured out whyt: our fandom friendships are more meaningful and last longer because we have to work so hard on keeping them alive.

For myself (and many others) the majority of our fandom friends don’t live anywhere close to where we live because we met them via the internet. And while it’s awesome to be able to say that I have friends who live all over the country and all over the world in other countries, the downside to that is the distance. When my friends in Scotland are feeling down, I can’t just go over there and take them out to dinner or when my friend in California needs some girl time, I can’t just pop over for the night with movies and pizza. Basically what I’m trying to say here is that we can’t take these friendships for granted if we want to make them last.

It’s not like when we were in school and we saw our classmates 5 sometimes 6 days a week (depending if you where in band, sports ect) for 9 sometimes 10 months a year for four years (for the purpose of this blog, I’m just talking about high school) so we just took it for granted that our friends where always nearby. But when you have friends that you’re lucky if you see them once a year (if at all), those friendships become a little more meaningful and you try harder at keeping in touch via facebook, twitter, email, phone/texting or even sending each other letters and packages.

And that’s why I believe that our fandom friendships are so special, because of all the hard work we put into them.

Anyways…. I’m sorry if there is an abundance of typos and grammar errors or it doesn’t make any sense at all. I typed this up at 2am. Till next time.

DFTBA

DFTBA

Now I’m gonna go make myself some toast.

DFTBA

p.s. It took me like 10min to type this up. XD

The Indy Star had a ticket in Monday’s paper for free admission to the State Fair tomorrow so the roomie and I are going to in the morning before it gets really hot. THEN we’re also going to ‘Theology on Tap’ in the evening at a pub on the northside of town.

Yay for plans and socializing!

That is all for tonight. Till tomorrow!
DFTBA

Anyways,

Uhm…. Well shoot. I just lost my train of thought. I hate when that happens. I was going to say something else before I just did a list of my day was. *shrugs* Oh, well. So here’s another run down of what my day was like. Not that any of you really care (besides there are only like five of you that even read my blog). ANYways…..

1) Woke up this morning thinking I had to be at work at 8am. So I get up, take a shower, get dressed and drive to work. Only to find out I wrote down last Monday’s schedule. I didn’t have to be in till 3:30pm! *facepalm* So I went back home and got back into my pjs.
2) Went back to bed and watched ‘Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightening Thief’ on my laptop (I’d rented it on iTunes for my sister to watch yesterday). I really enjoyed it and I can’t wait to start reading the books!
3) Took a nap after lunch.
4) Overslept and woke up late from my nap so that I was almost late to work.
5) Dealt with crappy customers at my crappy retail job.
6) Came home and changed into pjs.
7) Blogged about my day.

And that was my day in a nutshell. Till tomorrow!
DFTBA